I prop my feet up against the hammock and feel the cool breeze against my skin. The peaceful waves glimmer and transform into a sea of diamonds from a distance. The sun is shining a bit brighter than usual today, too. I feel its warmth, its radiance. This is perfect, just perfect.
Until I had to scroll past it in on my Instagram feed.
Lunch time is almost over so I deeply inhale and pop my button back on and pat away the crumbs that fell on my pants as I senselessly scrolled through Facebook and Instagram during my break. What a productive way to spend my hour long break.
Everyday is like this. I feel constantly tired and stressed over work e-mails and calls. My phone is the first and last thing I see everyday and work is the only way I know how to live. Hell, I think I’ve forgotten how to live at all. I don’t recall the last time I’ve gone home to have a warm meal with my family, all I know are stale convenience store food, haphazardly heated in the office microwave at 2AM when I realize I haven’t eaten anything the whole day. Dodged ulcer there, I guess.
Every day at work makes me wonder if this really is the life I deserve. I was full of life and hope as I graduated from college. I was sure I wanted to do big things, great things that can effect change. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to travel the world or become a filthy rich skinny island legend. I was sure I’d go places. But now, the only thing I want is a good 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I don’t think I still have the energy to aspire to be big and successful because ultimately, I’m tired. Just plain tired.
This whole adulting thing has dulled my aspirations. My personality trait is tired and burnt out. This whole feeling of just constantly being exhausted, stressed, and anxious, makes me feel stuck and I really don’t know how to get out of it now. I’ve forgotten how much I liked doing my hobbies. I’ve forgotten life outside of my desk.
It’s cold, dark, and full of terrors disguised as unending work e-mails, meeting that could’ve been e-mails, and even more unread e-mails. I feel lulled by the constant tapping away. Tap..tap…scroll…tap…this is my life now. This is me now.
Then I was jolted awake by my obnoxious alarm. I wipe the drool off my chin and open my laptop. It’s time to get back to work.