One thing. Only one thing pushed through in my long list of plans for this year.
In January, I was eager – even aggressive – to get out of my job that I set a deadline for myself. By the time I’m celebrating my 21st birthday, I should also be already gearing up for a new job in a different company (then unknown to me yet but I was still determined to enter). I started going to interviews, making up excuses to my boss just to get to them (most of the time LBM still works), and eventually landed what my younger, more hopeful self would have called her dream job. I was ecstatic!
Come March, our family got caught up in a mess no family would want to get into, especially in this regime. Oh, how fate can play us, I thought. I spent most of this month lost but had to keep myself together for my sister who was nearing her graduation, for my grandparents who were suffering from illnesses, and for my father, who was at the moment being played by our rusty justice system. I never thought I’d see myself carrying this big a burden but, hey, I have got to remain sane.
I compromised. Maybe turning 21 isn’t that big of a deal anymore, I said to myself. I concealed every problem and dealt with what I deemed to be “more important” matters that had to be dealt with. I juggled visiting my dad, turning over work, and compiling requirements for the entirety of April.
Before I knew it, May arrived and I committed myself to a “fresh start.” With some personal baggage still weighing me down, I welcomed a brand new work environment, more responsibilities, strangers in the form of co-workers, into my constantly changing landscape. I kept reminding myself that it’s obviously not going to be easy at first, as my workload got heavier by the day. And like a blink of an eye, six whole months have passed and “it gets better” has become nothing but my daily mantra.
And that was the one thing that went according to plan this year: I got a new job. But almost everything else I aspired for myself beyond that went straight out of the window.
The plan was to be able to live independently, which I’m somewhat achieving with monthly bills now on my shoulders. I have given up the thought of asking for money from my parents, going out, and paying at my own expense.
Was I earning enough? Is my social life keeping up? What does my family think of me? Are they still proud of what I’ve become? Am I considered overworked already? Will this lead to dying young? Those were some of the questions that kept bugging me on the daily. 90% of my time go to my job. Weekends and whatever time is left (if i’m not too tired) go to myself, whatever that meant.
With every sleep-deprived night and postponed plan, I learn to embrace uncertainty and take the good from it as much as I can. Reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson has given me so much more wisdom than I expected. I liked in particular when Mark said, “It’s worth remembering that for any change to happen in your life, you must be wrong about something.”
The key, I’ve learned, is to keep questioning why things happen a certain way in order to take proper action. While we’re almost through with the year and I’m sure most of us feel like nothing indeed is the way it’s planned, it’s okay to accept that some stuff really don’t work out simply because it shouldn’t. No matter how much you want it to. Today’s misfortunes in the long run might one day turn into the miracles we are most thankful for.
In October, I learned that the remaining months of the year are totally out of my control. Safe to say I’ve adjusted and strengthened my support system with newfound friends and the comfort of my dad now recovering. Trust the process is an overrated saying but the waiting game really allowed healing to come.
2019 has taught me that it’s alright for things not to go according to plan and by letting things unfold even in the most “what the fuck?” ways can shape you into a better human being. It’s true that the trials of life can either make or break you but in the end, being made and broken for a thousand times in a row, ironically kept me together.
It’s high time that we remind ourselves to take things day-by-day. I am unsure of what’s to happen in the next minute after I finish this article but I know I’m armored with a heart that’s never been stronger.
And as for 2020, I look forward to more uncertainties.